why does tumblr make me feel like I have to be introspective? I don’t want to be. I just auditioned for Pan Am and feel great about it. Soon I’ll be on TV. Take that Tumblr!
1:44
I find that I can only write late at night, when the apartment is dark and the world is asleep. I like to lay in my bed and pretend to be deep, preferably listening to a mellow mix on 8tracks, like “laying in your bed staring at the ceiling” or “I’m way down here”; they’re genius. There are to many distractions during the day. Netflix, my piano, facebook, texting, the book shelf…when its dark I can think. Sometimes thinking can get you in trouble though. Your mind wanders and you end up some place you don’t want to be; a place to painful to acknowledge when the lights are on. Maybe you think about a girl, or an old friend, or something you did that you’re ashamed of. People always say to live with no regrets, but everyone has them.
Regretting what you did is perfectly natural, regretting what you didn’t do is what eats away at your soul. This is a relatively new concept for me. I have more than my share of missed opportunities; adventures I never had and things I never said. No more; I’m through missing out because I’m too scared of what will happen or how they’ll react. Second guessing yourself is no way to live. Don’t be afraid to fail, because failure is beautiful, and it’s how we learn.
Take a risk! Visit a place you don’t think you’d like, you may find you love it there. Date someone outside of your “type”, you may find they’re the one. Try new foods, most of them are really good, no matter how bad they look. Go on an adventure. Get lost. Make a plan and then do the exact opposite. Spontaneity is fun.
This part is for you: Get up and get out! Trust me, being sedentary is depressing, as I’m sure you’ve noticed. You have stuff to do, yes, but you also have a life to live, go live it. Visit people. See a show. Visit the west coast. Get more involved in what you’re passionate about. Learn an instrument. Write a book. Creative outlets have saved me the past 8 months, maybe they’d help you too. Just a thought.
Hey, guess what: I like talking to you. You don’t always respond, and sometimes you don’t give me much to work with, but I like it none the less. When I’m grumpy, you make me feel better, because you’re goofy. When I’m feeling intellectual, you say things that I had never thought of, because you’re smarter than I am. When I’m drunk, you humor me, because you’re kind (and lets face it, I’m funny as hell when I’m drunk). I know how you feel, and that’s fine; you know how I feel, and that seems to be fine too. I’m glad to have you in my life, thank you.
Hey, guess what else: I got a new job. Its good because I hated my old job. Any one who tells you working at a gym is fun is lying, and should be punched. That job was killing me quickly, and now I’m done. I don’t know if I’ll like this new job, but anything is better than the old one.
Hey, guess what ELSE: Having “no food” in the house forces me to get creative with my dinner. I have to admit, I’m a damn good cook, even when there’s “no food”
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Helloooo Ladies
Sometimes it’s good to think about the things that you love; to reflect on what makes you happy. So here it is:
Ice Cream, my dog Josie, lazy mornings, drinking coffee, making music, listening to music, creative people, insightful conversations, reading the newspaper at midnight, romantic comedies, the waterfront, musical theatre, BBQs, random acts of kindness, seeing people give the homeless money, big sweaters, smiling at a stranger, having them smile back, autumn, walking in the woods, the wake-up bell, moments of understanding, site eight, swimming, teaching someone, signing with the deaf guy (Steven) at the gym, my dads stories, pictures of my grandparents, cheezy action movies, reading, whiskey with my roommate, acting class, being on stage, Mama Sue randomly playing on my iTunes, popsicle camp, the Moore children, swimming to Monkey Island in the rain, Skype, conversations with old friends, awkward silences, singing, Sunday night dinner, the Meredith exit, Adel, Roald Dahl, being reflective, showering after a workout, counselor talks by the fire pit, B grade horror movies, a caravan of over-loaded cars going to the movies, sitting on the porch, 6 Helen, Thursday night worship, John Shout office time, road trips, APO, 5-to-places, feeling accomplished, fighting with Dave, Elton John, people believing in you, friends, love in all forms, and so much more.
There’s so much that makes me happy, and that I’m thankful for. Sometimes we get bogged down by life and we forget about the things that make us who we are. I wouldn’t be me without Wanakee, or the CTA, or 6 Helen, or theatre, or my family and friends. Who knows where I’d be if it weren’t for this list. I don’t know where I’m going or what my next move is, but I know that I’m a better person because of everything above.
Because Sometimes
“Often the person you can’t live without can live without you.”
It’s because you’re stronger. Obviously. But don’t worry, I’m getting stronger. I don’t want to have to be my own hero. But I can do it. I know I can because sometimes I can make that feeling come back. That strong feeling. Then sometimes you get caught in my thoughts and you’re stuck there. And my heart has a soft spot for you. You created it with your touch, your words, your smile, your eyes.
And so every time I think about you my heart remembers, and I don’t want to be strong. I don’t want to have to be strong. The only thing I want in that moment is you. And my heart aches because I cannot have you.
You have left me here. You didn’t even say goodbye. So I have created hope out of that. And you have let me.
The worst thing about hope is that it lifts you off the ground into the air, the unknown. But you never fail to drag me back down, without even knowing it.
I wonder if you even miss me. I hope like hell you do because you are in my thoughts every minute of every day. Like a virus I can’t get rid of. I go to sleep and wake thinking about you. Funny how that used to be a good thing.
Sometimes I forget you, get caught up in something else, and I actually like those moments. I rejoice in them. I don’t want to think about you all the time. I really don’t. I wish I could be like now what I was like before I met you. I didn’t depend or hang on someones every word with anyone. I want to be carefree not worrying what someone else is doing all the time.
But I don’t know how to let go. I really don’t. And the truth is I’m too scared to. I do not want to lose you. And I’m too scared to even try to let you go, even though you have probably let go of me. I’m too scared to go out of fear of really truly losing you. Because of that pathetic piece of worthless hope you give me. Maybe because I know deep down you can go on without me.
I just want the chance to remind you of what we had. Maybe find the soft spot I could have created in your heart.
For there must have been a reason for you to touch me the way you did.
For you to look at me the way you did.
For you to have said the words you did.
For me to have made you smile.
That is what gives me the warming hope. The hope that fills my heart.
I haven’t forgotten the way you made me feel, I hope you haven’t forgotten the way I made you feel.
But it is possible you have made yourself forget.
YOU
You. Yes, you. I am writing this for you.
I know you are reading this. And I want you to know I am writing this for you. No one else will understand. No one else knows. They think that this is for them. But it’s not. I am writing this for you.
I want you to know, life…it’s hard. Every day can be a challenge. It can be a challenge to get up in the morning. To get yourself out of bed. To put on that smile. But I want you to know, that smile is what keeps me going some days. You need to remember, even through the tough times, you are amazing. You really are.
You should be happy. You are gorgeous.
I know that the weather might not be perfect. You might have to turn your back to the wind or feel the cold nipping at your nose. But you know what, at least you are there to feel it. At least you can enjoy the sun’s warm rays on your face. Or that cold February wind biting at your cheeks. You know what that means?
You are alive.
Everything will be okay.
first post
So this is my first post on tumblr…its actually my first blog/ journal entry of any kind. I’ve never written my thoughts down before; I’m not actually sure how to do it. Do I just write them as they come? Do I try and format them so they make sense? Do I try and sound intelligent or insightful? Do I care? No. This is my blog, and I’ll do it how I want.
